I was already a member of this board back in 2007 when I lost my first IVF pregnancy at 13 weeks. Then I was lucky enough to conceive again via ICSI and had my special little boy who has just turned 2. DH and I decided to try again late last year and despite all the odds against us and with just 2 embryos at the end of the treatment, I conceived with twins. The road was a bit bumpy with a few red bleeds and brown spotting but whenever we had any of those, everything was always OK with the babies.
Then last Thursday night, I was 19 weeks and 5 days, I went into premature labour (they think it might have been caused by an infection and doing some tests). I was admitted to hospital on the Friday morning and our little angels were born early on Saturday morning, on my DS's birthday. I was exactly 20 weeks pregnant. Florence was born at 0.16am, followed by Isaac 9 minutes later. They were both absolutely perfect, Florence even had white tips on her fingernails, they were just too young to survive. Both weighed a little over 8 ounces each. The hospital staff were wonderful and treated the babies with such dignity and care. They had a special room for such occasions where we were moved to after the birth and spent the night and today with them.
I am physically OK and home now but emotionally I am totally devastated - in fact that word is so inadequate it's unreal. Why does this have to happen to us, when there are people out there complaining about having children, having abortions and we so so wanted them? We loved them so much from the day they were put back in me, both of us talked to them every night (and me in the day too). Last Wednesday one of them was having such a wriggle at 6.30am, I lost count of the number of kicks - one of my happiest memories of this pregnancy. Just me lying there in bed, hand on tummy, knowing one of them was so happy inside, just like me. And yet less than a week later on I couldn't feel more emptier. How will I ever move on?? I just want my babies back and I know that will never happen. My precious precious little angels! They were so beautiful!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea what to do, our dream has been snatched away so I just do what I did last time - come here for support. Please girls talk to me and share your stories. I cannot see the words for tears........
Dear E2007
having been someone who has read these stories over the years but never joined I felt that having read your most heartfelt and personal story, full of pain and to see that you have had no response, I felt I needed to join to offer you some words of, I don't know what. Not platitudes as I know from experience that they won't help. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you find the strength to move forward and with time try again. Not to forget Florence and Isaac but to perhaps have another longed for child when you feel strong enough.
One of my dear friends lost her baby at exactly the same time 19 and a half weeks and she already had a little girl. She drew strength from her but more importantly she took time to grieve, get angry and eventually let go. She has recently had another little girl but says that she will always remember Faith, the little girl she lost.
I hope that you have a good support network around you and I just felt compelled to say that I am so sorry for you loss and please take care.
I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I am here in tears reading your post and wishing that I had the few words to say to take away your pain, but I know that is impossible.
I lost my second baby at 12 weeks, which does not compare to what you have lost or been through, but I have felt some of the grief and pain you will be going through. The old saying time heals has a little truth in it, but it does take time and there will be lots of milestones to get through. Even though it's been over a year I think of our baby often.
I had followed your story as a friend was on the same thread on the mwwm board and to see your post has deeply saddened me.
I also have a son and he was great comfort to me at the time. If you work take plenty of time off, don't rush back and do put yourself first as your heart, mind and body need time to heal.
Your beautiful angel babies will always be a part of you, nobody can ever take that away from you.
I really don't know what to say
I'm so so sorry for your loss and cannot imagine what u r going through
Just wanted u to know u r in my thoughts at this devestating time
I hope u somehow find the strength to get through this
I am in tears reading your post im am sooo sorry and why is life so bloody unfair... this week has been the worst week of my life
After 8years ttc no children 4x failed IVF (cycled on here many times) i was just about to start our 5th ivf on Easter weekend and was waiting to inject but my period never came.. i fell naturally and we was soo happy a true mircale,i have endo, damaged tubes and pcos- we had a scan a 6weeks and 8w3d and everything was great then i went for the 12w3day scan this wednesday and my heart is now truly broken... our miracle baby was perfect with a strong heartbeat & waving at us... BUT from the waist down he only had 1 leg and his organs had grown inside out... its called Fetal Stalk Anomoly and its very rare... one of the membranes had been ruptured so the amniotic fluid wasnt right for the baby to grow -
its not genetic and we have been told to try again asap but its hard to think it will happen when it took 8years :'(
my life is in bits i had to terminate my precious angel yesterday... im devasted and very anti abortion too... the baby would not of survived... i was hysterically crying until they put me out....i understand it had to be done but it doesnt make it any easier and i miss my Miracle baby so much and i still feel pregnant which is doing my head in...
i feel so empty and lost... i was so happy!!
why is life so cruel i have to go i can't stop crying.......
No, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why, why, why???? Indeed why does life have to be so cruel? That's what is even more upsetting for me - we come through against such low odds to achieve a pregnancy and you, especially after 8 years!!!, and then just when everything should be in our favour (after a healthy heartbeat, after passing the first trimester), it ends. I so feel for you and I cannot believe that there are people out there going through the grief like we are! It's just not fair.
With my first m/c, it was exactly like you, timingswise I mean, all was well at the 9 week scan, nice heartbeat and went for the 12 week scan and in our case, we had found the baby had died at around 11 weeks, i.e. a missed miscarriage. It was my first pregnancy too, albeit achieved via ICSI. I felt the same as you - like my world has ended. Just like I feel now. My precious angels who I will never ever hold again.
A week ago my babies were born. And this has truley been the hardest week of my life.
Wednesday we spent organising the funeral. We got to see our beautiful special darlings again, which was lovely (if you know what I mean) as I didn’t think we’d get to see them again. They were still as perfect as they were on the day they were born, just sleeping there peacefully in their little moses basket. Oh my heart aches so much!! I am crying as I type this as I am just so proud of them now, I cannot begin to imagine the love, pride and elation I would have felt if they had come later and survived. Thursday we had to arrange the flowers. Again I found it so hard because all the flowers are all sad funeral flowers and I didn’t want sad flowers, I wanted bright and happy flowers for them, do you know what I mean? Anyway we got two little wreaths, a pink and a blue one, for the coffin but also got a bright yellow gerbera (my Mum’s favourite flowers - she passed away 5 years ago after a battle with cancer) posy arrangement to go on the grave - at least something bright, like the sunshine they would have brought into our lives if they had lived. I am just so so proud of them, I am just so sad that it’s them looking after me now, our guardian angels, when they should still be in my tummy and I should be the one looking after them!
DH’s mum decided on Thursday that she would like to see the babies again so we met her at the funeral directors’ and I went in with her first then I came out and DH went in and then she came out and I went back in to be with DH. All in all we were there probably close to an hour. Again they were just sleeping peacefully and every time I have seen them I noticed something new about them. Like yesterday I saw DD’s ears for the first time when I pushed back her little hat. Perfectly formed beautiful little ears. My baby girl. My baby girl who I will never hold again in this life. Oh why? Why? Why? Why? When we so wanted them. So so longed for them. Our dream given and snatched away.
Yesterday I had to go to the funeral directors again just to drop off the teddies we bought for DD and DS and DH and I wrote the twins a little note so I dropped that off too and it just really upset me as it was all so final, knowing I will never see or touch them again. I couldn’t wait for DS to go to sleep so I could have a cry. I asked a friend to come round but she had plans with her sister already so she couldn’t. So I rang my friend instead who lost her 6 week old baby girl in March. She had complications at birth and that caused her baby being very poorly. I am really close this friend as we both lost our Mums to cancer (and she lost her dad to MS) and so we are kind of the family that neither of us have anymore (she is an only child). It really helped talking to her as she understood all my feelings and there was nothing awkward about me crying (which I did lots in the hour long conversation) and she just listened to me, telling her all about DS and DD, all their little features, the birth, the room we stayed in afterwards etc. It was so nice being able to tell her everything because it’s all I have of my lovely babies and it was nice just saying them to someone who knew what I was going through. She also gave me hope that there will be a time when I may feel better, which I know in my head but I can’t imagine but I know I can trust her as (unfortunately) she has been there.
Oh Martene, please keep in touch. I just hope we can somehow help each other through this pain we are feeling. I don't know how but I just hope we will.
I am sending you all my love and I am here for you day and night.
Martene, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have experienced a little of the pain which you are going through. The baby we lost last year was a natural pregnancy too and I felt so robbed when at our 12 week scan we were told the baby had died, it just wasn't fair. It took me a long time, probably until after the baby's due date to get to a place where I didn't want to cry at the mention of pregnancies, babies etc. There was always a reminder. I hope your heart can begin to heal in time.
I know this may be far away from your mind at the moment, but that was our first natural pregnancy after 7 years of TTC (we had 1 successful IVF resulting in DS, followed by 2 more failed cycles and a failed natural pregnancy during that time). I got pregnant again naturally in November and my pregnancy has so far been okay. So I know it probably feels like it won't happen after trying for so long, but there is hope.
E2007, you are in my thoughts and once again I am so heartbroken for you. Your babies, Florence and Isaac sound absolutely beautiful. I hope you have found the strength to get through the funeral and are finding a little more strength to get through each day.
Hi E2007,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you today putting your little angels to rest. keep strong and remember I know what you are going through and life does seem unfair at times..
My boys were born at nearly 38 weeks and although we knew from the 20 week scan Nathan was going to have complications when born, you never expect the worst outcome! but I feel blessed to have had him for 15 days than not at all and Ryan is my light and life just like archie is with you so keep your chin up honey, in time you will feel a stronger.
I know what you mean about it helping to see them in the funeral directors.. I must have gone about 4 times and as upsetting as it was he looked so peaceful without all his tubes and monitors..
Your babies will always be in your heart, although each day brings less pain it doesn't mean you still won't have have bad days... I still do 2 1/2 years on. you will have a mixture of emotions.. you will end up feeling guilty when you have a happy moment and guilty when your sad because we are still so blessed to have our DS. but 1 step at a time and allow yourself to grieve..
If you feel you need chat, ask me for my personal email and we can get in touch.. otherwise I will just be on here for support.. I know you mentioned about your other friend losing a child so you probably have good support in her...
Thank you for your support today. I still can't believe that we laid our angels to rest today. Who knows D? Maybe they have met Nathan and he is maybe helping them find their wings. I'd like to think that my Mum and DH's nana are looking after them but also that they will find their own little friends in heaven. I miss them so so much, more than words can ever say and cannot believe, still cannot believe, that this is reality. I know that there is always a small chance that these things happen but I cannot fathom that it has happened to us. I truly wish it would happen to noone. And yet here we are. My fairytale is over. My beautiful baby girl who was the image of her Daddy and my beautiful baby boy who just looked like darling DS are now at peace in heaven.
We found the strength to get through today and as far as funerals can be, it was perfect. I found the strength to say the poem I wanted to amongst the tears and DH found the strength to carry their tiny coffin with me walking beside him.
I want to try again as soon as I can, whenever that may be. We can't give up on our dreams yet. I know I will cry many tears yet but today has also given me a kind of peace in my heart. I guess today is the day we can start to heal although I know our hearts will never properly heal and we will miss our beautiful children so so much. The house is so quiet today and both DH and I said that it shouldn't be so, it should be (well maybe not now but in a few months) full of baby cries and DS chatting away (he is at nursery today). DS has lost his dreams too, he was looking forward to the babies too. He used to come and cuddle and kiss my evergrowing belly and it's no more.
Thank you all for being there for me, it helps so much reading your post and being able to talk to you all. Just hope one day we will be discussing something happy.
My love to you all.
Biggest and tightest of hugs
In memory of Florence, Isaac and Nathan and all the little angels in heaven.
How are you? Please stay in touch. Your beautiful angel will be there in heaven too. God looking after them all. The baby I lost at 11 weeks or so (discovered at the 12 week scan) we used to call Poppyseed. Poppyseed I am sure is with them too and one day we will see them all again. Just wish it could have been in this life. We would have taken such good care of them, so cruel that we have never been given the chance.
Here for you whenever you are ready to talk and even if you're not, you are in my thoughts each and every day.
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